L G H Post
I was thinking about anxiety and the examples that go around every mental health awareness month of how not to talk to someone with anxiety and one of them is telling someone with social anxiety to talk to people in an effort to get over it. I suppose someone who hasn't experienced anxiety may think that if you point out that it's irrational it’ll help. And I think they’d genuinely be trying to help. They don't know that we know it's irrational, you know? Our mind takes over and often it hits before we even realize it and it's super hard to break free of a feeling that fills all the cracks in your composure and tears down your sense of rationality. We know it and there's nothing we can do to make those feelings go away permanently, so at best we can learn how to cope with it and still be able to function. Don't feel sorry for us, though, that's not what we want. We’d be fine with you just being understanding and holding us from time to time, trying to distract us and make us laugh or relax even though you know it might not work. Not that I speak for all people with anxiety, it manifests differently for everyone. For me it's irritability mostly. Anyway, it's always important to talk about these things so we’re doin’ it.
Depression has historically been my bag more than anxiety, though my latest diagnosis is Cyclothymic Disorder (but don't get me started on the dangers of diagnosis). As I write this, I actually just came out of a major depressive episode (they last a minimum of two weeks, both clinically and in my experience). It's not a fun time, man, major depressive episodes. There's no hope; it evaporates and leaves behind emotional sludge that blocks a positive future view and makes me think to myself that I’ll be glad when my life finally comes to a close. Like living the rest of my unhappy life is a due, some penance I have to pay before I can be at peace. Not in a “kill myself way”; that would be cheating. So I continue to struggle and try my best to help people, even though it seems fruitless, because anything else would be a waste of meaningless time. It's infuriating, maddening. I have plenty of things I love and am happy about in my life, and I do my best to show them respect and gratitude when I come out of depression. Sometimes I’m ashamed of how despondent and emotionally remote I am with the people who care about me when I’m depressed, especially when they're trying to help me. I still have faith that they understand. So that's depression.
Suicide. Suicide suicide suicide. I wish people understood that feeling suicidal is different from behaving suicidally and that self harm is not determinative of suicide attempts. Not always. The times I’ve self-harmed were either as a coping skill or to prove a point. Yes, to prove a point. Not proud of those times. My one suicide attempt did not involve self-harm, either as precursor or antecedent. It varies for everyone. There was a long time where every day I thought of putting a gun to my head or jumping off a building, the thought kind of ran on a loop in my head. I didn't obviously. I don't even have a gun. But there's something soothing about letting the thought run around my head. Focusing on it helps distract from the chaos of my disorganized brain. And it actually feels good emotionally, like releasing or relaxing. That's the “upside” of suicidal ideation they don't tell you about. It's important that people know this is how some people with mental illness live most if not each day. Everyone’s deal is different. Different things pop up, work and relationships and the like. Those things make some kind of difference sometimes, sometimes not. I’ve never really heard anyone describe their personal experience of suicidal ideation in much detail, or very honestly. I don't ever tell anyone when I’ve got suicidal ideation working my brain because that's almost a guaranteed way to get the fuzz called and your ass dragged to the hospital. People don't understand that the ideation doesn't put life in danger. It would be helpful if we could talk about it, but people don't know. People get scared and do what they think is right. It's not, always, which we could tell you if you’d ask us our opinion on it and actually listen to it. People aren't educated about it. Now you're slightly better educated. One man’s experience doesn't speak truth for everyone, keep that in mind.
Andrew’s Post
Mental Health is a topic that has always been taboo in our country and in most places around the globe basically since the time before humans knew what a mental illness was. Luckily, times have changed and more people feel comfortable reaching out to others to receive the help they need and deserve, as many individuals find themselves at least experiencing some sort of depression, anxiety, or another condition at some point in their lives. Still, there is often times a stigma placed on those who make their struggles known to others, as we have an unfortunate aspect of our culture in the United States which tells us that we must be the best at all times with no exceptions or excuses. While I think this idea does serve its purpose and has always been a part of the “American Way,” I don’t think it does us any good when it comes to taking care of ourselves and others.
My time spent on this blog won’t be spent on what I think is good and bad in American culture, no worries. Lord knows I don’t want to have some argument with anyone about how much I do or don’t love this nation. Instead I’ll spend my time opening up some about what I experience (or have experienced), sometimes on a daily basis, in the hopes of practicing what I preach and showing others that your life as you know it is not in jeopardy by opening up about a very serious issue with others. I personally have experienced major depression before in my life and while I’ve luckily worked through that, I still experience situational depression. I try to remain acutely aware of when this happens and how to overcome it so it doesn’t lead back to any other forms of long-term depression. Still, I do recognize (as anyone who has experienced long-term depression can tell you) that it is not always effective to simply “try to work through it” and that it is necessary to receive professional help when it begins to impact your daily life.
What Lukas said in his post really hit close to home for where I was just a few years ago. I hit an extremely low point around my sophomore year in college because of a few different things going on in my life. I was incredibly depressed and essentially withdrew myself from everyone that I had met or ever known, except for a few friends and family members who I didn’t completely burn bridges with. While my diagnosis was different than what Lukas is describing, the feeling of hopelessness and feeling that life was an empty void was a thought process I experienced on a daily basis. I spent some time in a hold in the hospital at one point which was one of many wake-up calls for me that I needed to actively do what I could to change my circumstances while continuing to receive help from others that were effective in doing so. In all honesty, it’s not something I generally find myself opening up to others about in regular conversation because of the stigma that goes along with it and the fact that it opens up a lot of old wounds that I’ve worked incredibly hard to close and leave behind. However, I do see the necessity to be honest about your struggles so that others feel as though they can do the same.
Currently, I don’t speak to any sort of counselor or therapist because I don’t feel as though there are any major issues to overcome at this time in my life, though I implore you to reach out to a licensed professional if you do. I do experience anxiety on a daily basis, but not to the point that I cannot function in my everyday tasks. The best way that I can describe the way my anxiety affects me is becoming panicked in mostly social situations. After I get to know someone it’s typically easy for me to be myself and carry a conversation with you, but if I don’t the feeling as though I’m drowning kicks in like clockwork. As Lukas mentioned, one of the worst pieces of advice you can give someone with anxiety is to just keep talking to random people they don’t know. If I’m talking to someone I don’t know with a purpose or structure (job interview, office talk, fellow Dolphins fans, etc) I can fake it long enough to get through the conversation. However, if I’m at a party or social event just to meet new people, my time will undoubtedly be spent rotating the corners of the room while occasionally talking to one or two people that start the conversation with me. I can’t explain why this makes such a difference, but I have yet to find any real solution to the “issue” and frankly, other than occasionally feeling like I suffer socially, it’s not something that really bothers me anymore.
While I’m at the pulpit, another thing that can be extremely frustrating to someone who experiences social anxiety is to call them “awkward” or “shy.” While shy is usually well-intentioned, it often rubs me the wrong way as I see it as implying that I don’t have the ability to interact with others or complete something in the manner that it’s intended to be done. I possess the skills needed for social interaction as well as confidence in taking on new tasks, but typically work better alone, one-on-one, or in a small group rather than being expected to perform with or in front of many different people. Awkward, however, has never been well-intentioned and always reminds me of someone I went to highschool with that would use that word as an umbrella term for anyone that didn’t quite measure up to their incredibly shallow expectations of other humans. As Charles Barkley once said, “awkward is a white person’s word that can be used in any situation;” it’s as misused as “awesome” or “awful.”
All I would ask from others who don’t experience the type of anxiety Lukas and I are discussing is to be a little more understanding and at times give us some space when we are being “irrational” about situations. I don’t like feeling as though I’ve failed in a social situation anymore than someone who doesn't have anxiety hates experiencing “awkward moments.” The difference is that the said uncomfortable moment that a person without anxiety shakes off in two seconds and laughs about later on will oftentimes become a source of dread for the individual that experiences anxiety. The best that those of us who experience anxiety can do are learn coping mechanisms in order to prevent guilt-tripping ourselves over one little moment that doesn’t matter so that we can avoid creating more anxiety which often times can lead to depression. It’s not your fault that we experience this and we’re really not trying to chastise you in any way, but it’s also not our fault that we are affected by anxiety either. I don’t think asking someone to be a little more understanding of others’ situations should be considered a punishment anyhow, but I also know how defensive certain individuals can get over “forcing” them to do anything they don’t want to do.
Overall, I feel as though the majority of people I come into contact with are empathetic and understanding of my moments of anxiety or depression. I just ask those who don’t fully understand it to approach it the way I suggesting dealing with any situation you might not fully understand, but one that does not harm you in any way: tolerance. While you may not ever fully understand where someone with any sort of mental illness is coming from or may even believe that we’re exaggerating a simple issue, it is possible for us to have a mutual respect and accomplish the same goals.
