Andrew’s Post
As I sit at my desk at work waiting for the next pleasant caller to give me information about why they’re moving into an apartment, I am contemplating how some of my deepest fears have played into my life thus far. While we ultimately view fear as a negative topic, I wonder if we can also have a healthy relationship with these fears in order to balance out where we’ve been and where we’re going in our lives. Are we limited by our fears? There are some people out there I can think of, including myself at one time, who may support that conclusion. However, I am starting to believe more and more that we can use what we know aren’t the strongest characteristics of ourselves to insure ourselves from further blunders and to strengthen and develop the good qualities we possess.
This honestly may seem like a self-explanatory concept to many individuals out there, but it’s a concept I know I struggled with for a long period of time. It’s easy to get down on yourself and become convinced that somehow the world is against you at the worst moments in your life. It’s much more difficult to remain positive through the hard times and believe that your strongest qualities will outshine those fears and something better will come out of a garbage situation.
As it stands in my life, I have a hell of a lot to be thankful for; I have a healthy and happy child, a beautiful and supportive fiance I’m about to marry, and have just started the process of buying our first home. However, it wasn’t that long ago that I never dreamed I’d have any of these amazing things and frankly expected that rock bottom was somehow going to collapse on itself and I’d fall further into my pit of mostly self-induced despair. Although I now look back on my past with amazement on how far I’ve come (and sometimes how I’ve made it this far), there’s still a lot I want to accomplish in my lifetime both personally and in order to give my daughter someone she can look up to in her life.
I am still looking for direction as far as my career and my overall purpose my life; even though I have some ideas of where my skills may lie and what I could see myself doing in the future, my passions still hang in limbo as I continue to search for where exactly it is I belong. One of my biggest fears is that I will never truly find a niche in life and that I will continue to float aimlessly between jobs, never truly developing any skills that I can carry with me. Luckily, this is a fear that I can mostly control by aiming to work harder and pushing for more than I sometimes believe that I deserve. Although I’m not a pull yourself up by your own bootstraps type of guy, I do think that continuing to strive for more even in the worst of situations is key to gaining more valuable experience, no matter how small it may be. “The Fact of it is,” quoting Frank from It’s Always Sunny, I may never truly find that sweet spot in life where I’m draining every bucket that’s passed my way. Knowing this, I believe, gives this fear less power over me and helps me recognize when I’m probably being exposed to some invaluable information.
The only other deep fear worth mentioning in my life is a fear of vulnerability or a feeling of deep anxiety whenever I’m with people I don’t know particularly well. I don’t think anyone could’ve guessed that considering my blog post last time about assumptions made about me being reserved, but alas it’s true. I won’t get into the psychology of why I feel this way around new people that I meet, but I’m aware it’s not the most attractive quality in a person. Ironically, one of my biggest aspirations is to become more sociable with others and to not care so much about what other people might potentially think about me. I’m aware that I’m far better in one-on-one situations than I’ve ever been in a group environment, so my goal is to alway focus on one or two people in a group that I connect the most with rather than frantically look around at everyone like I got ahold of the wrong stuff. This is a work in progress and it may always be in my life, but again the fact that I’m aware of it gives me a lot more strength than just trying to pretend it doesn't exist.
I, of course, have other trivial fears in my life as well: a fear of heights, drowning, or being caught in a fire, but luckily none of those have impacted my daily life quite like the previous two fears I’ve mentioned. It’s funny how our fears can directly relate to what we aspire to accomplish in our lives. Maybe I’m the only one who finds some kind of weird relation between the two, but I’d find that hard to believe. As humans we often times want to be something we’re not completely yet, or in some cases may never be at all. Obviously the best practice is to not beat ourselves up over these perceived shortcomings; however, I still hold that it can benefit us to come face-to-face with our “flaws” in order to learn more about ourselves, lessen the impact these imperfections have on our lives, and strengthen the good qualities that we oftentimes overlook.
“For the Night is Dark and Full of Terrors”
Hope my fellow Westerosi lovers enjoy the Game of Thrones entry title.
Lots of things to say about fear. I wasn’t sure what direction I would take this post when Andrew told me he’d started another entry. I’ve been in a bad place for a lot of this week, and my first instinct was to was to make it about that. Writing is therapeutic. It’ll be kind of about that, but I also thought it would be cool just to be vulnerable and talk about my shit. Mostly to bitch, but also to show you, whoever you are that’s reading this, that it's ok to do that. To be open and even public with your vulnerability, I mean. Humans are too private with each other I think, we keep a lot inside. We should do that less. It’ll be good for communication and relationships. Anyway, my fears.
It's been weeks since Andrew started this post, I started my section in January and I haven't looked at it since. I don't really know what to say about my fears. I don't spend a lot of time actively fearing things. Habit, with what I suppose is a dash of truth, has me inclined to say I’m afraid of being alone. Ending up alone I mean. There's this look of awe when you're totally enraptured by someone that I’ve only ever seen in my life a handful of times. I don't know if I’ve ever looked at someone that way but I know I’ve felt that way a few times. I'm afraid that I’ll never get to a point in my life where I look at myself with that look. Total awe and astonishment. In a positive way would be preferable. I'm afraid of never feeling that way about myself about as much as I’m afraid of never seeing that look from someone I’m dating ever again.
I'm kind of afraid I’ll never find “blah.” My buddy Caleb and I talk about down the line when we're married (ha sooo many jokes could be made if I stopped right there) and we reference the people we're married to as “blah.” Example: “Listen, “Blah,” what we have is awesome, but you know Ruko/Careb is my number one.”
So, “Blah.” I’m afraid I’ll never find her. I'm afraid I’ll never have that person to come home to after shitty days at work who will understand that the only thing I want in the world right then is to hug each other and not talk about it. On rare occasions, I have a lot of hope that I will find her. But over time it’s started to feel like a fantasy that won't come true, akin to the ones I have where I’m the lead singer of a metal band and my only job in the world is to play music and show love to our fans and make the community of people who love the band feel like a family. Possible, perhaps. But so far away that I've begun to assume it won't happen and that I’ve loved all I’ll get to during my life. Still, somehow it's like there's this little hope switch I can't turn off that keeps me believing that I’ll one day find my “Blah.” Part of me finds it naive, but there's still something very innocent about hope. And I think I’d miss it if I didn't have it anymore, as annoying as I find it. So there's that.
Oh, also I’m afraid of snakes. They move on land without legs and it's gross.
